The M-Word: Part 2

While it may seem funny during the heart of the Christmas season, the thought of continuing this thread about ministry is near the bottom of my list of things I’d like to do. In previous posts, I talked a little about the retreat that I attended back in February which challenged me to a period of self evaluation, particularly as it relates to my calling in ministry. Back in September, I attempted to explore the question “What is my ministry?”. In this post, I appear to be tasked with addressing the subsequent query: “Where am I right now?”

Clearly, where I was in February when this question was first asked is not necessarily where I am today. Then, I was coming out of a long period of serving in leadership at my church (nearly 12 years), the latter 3 years at the center of an understandably difficult (and almost traumatic) period of transition. How I felt in February could best be described as a deep spiritual and emotional exhaustion. And although some of that has eased over the course of this year, I still sense some lingering internal ache that continues to color my attitude and my outlook.

I have spent the better part of this year detoxing from the near constant anxieties associated with church leadership. The Lord has given me both teaching and leadership gifts, but the experiences of the past few years have taxed me greatly. Even now, the thought of returning to a leadership role fills me with unease – not exactly the attitude one should have toward service. Yet the never-ending call of obligation and concern I have for the church still weighs upon my mind. Still, the lack of joy at the root of that thought feels like a warning, telling me that I may not yet be ready to resume a leadership role, especially since at some levels the underlying crisis continues.

In September, I wrote:

The institutional church, whether intentionally or not, has impressed upon its members that service to Christ really means service to the church. Do something for God by doing something for the church. Be a part of this church program or that, because what matters is that we serve.

It could be argued that the obligation demands service, that the call of duty does not concern itself with feelings, or attitude. For even if done grudgingly, the job gets done. But that just doesn’t seem right to me. For if the spirit in which I do a thing is toxic, I am “but a clanging cymbal.”

I cannot help but to feel that, for me, the most important thing I can do is to properly and humbly posture myself before the Lord, and seek to rediscover, revive and reignite the passion to be the vessel I am designed to be. The heart’s posture before the Lord is far more important than half-heartedly doing what others expect out of a misguided sense of obligation.

This is not a cop out to service. Quite the contrary. It is ensuring that I am putting Christ first, and aligning myself to the work He is calling me to do, as I prepare to one day re-enter this thing called Ministry. And today, that means focus on my walk of faith, and it means diving in once again to the passion I have for the written word. Yes, even this little blogging adventure is reawakening a certain creativity and understanding of the gifts the Lord has given me. While leadership is something I understand, it is not the only avenue of service.

John 15:16 says: “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last.” As it was the first day this verse came alive for me, so it is today. This is my ministry. Countless are the ways this can be fulfilled. It should fit my passion, my gifts, my heart, my abilities, my personality and my experiences. It should also fit the overarching plan of what God is blessing – or desires to bless.

So where am I right now in all of this? The only answer I can give with integrity: Not yet where I need to be. Yet able to finally acknowledge it.