Make Me Laugh

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I take life far too seriously. That may even be an understatement. So much of my persona is built around the precept that there are right things to do, and right ways to do them. I have endeavored to apply that to so many areas of my life, it borders on obsession. This guiding principle has provided me a fair measure of success, at least in terms of academics and career. I don't really fear failure, but I would be lying if I didn't say that failure or mediocrity are things I tend to abhor. These are heavy expectations I place on myself, and I am my own worst critic. I am sure there are plenty others like me in that respect.

But I do take things seriously. Inauthenticity bothers me. Poor character bothers me. Injustice bothers me. It is illuminating really, because as much as I think I don't levy expectations of perfection or high standards on anyone else but myself, I actually do. Because in part, that's the way I am, so if I expect it from myself, I find it hard to understand people who don't expect it of themselves. Because in everything, there are right things to do and right ways to do them.

And all of that is understandable, if I look only at that part of me that "has it all figured out," those things by which men are most often measured in this world. Yet the result is often two-dimensional, lacking in the depth of what man was created to be. What do people see? They see a smart, intelligent, hard-working man who is cynical, negative and a worthy protégé of Grumpy the dwarf. Perhaps a good and caring man, passionate about Truth, but with a demeanor that simply brings people down.

Last week, my wife shared with me a conversation she had with my oldest son. I don't remember the exact details, but in effect, he was about to brush his teeth when he heard her outside the bathroom door. He said, "I knew it was you, Mom, because of your laugh! Dad doesn't laugh, or at least, I don't ever hear him laugh."

I'm afraid he's right. My kids don't often see me laugh, because laughter is usually a product of an inner joy. Joy has always been fleeting for me. But as I mull over the truth of his words, how sad it makes me! For all my efforts and attempts to do right things in the right way, I clearly have fallen short of being the kind of father my kids need to see to make their way in this difficult world. My kids have seen me angry, tired, sad and sick. Have they ever seen me happy? How can they hear me laugh with joy and delight when the truth is, I don't? They do know that I love them dearly, and that I am very proud of them for who they are today. But if that is all they see, then I risk robbing them of their joy and delight. I don't want them to be like me; I want them to be happy.

And so I wrestle with the reality that the right thing to do - as a dad - is to be sure that my kids know that joy is essential to their emotional and spiritual well-being. That fun and laughter is a delightful part of life that should be indulged, not frowned upon. That even though the world is hard and often dark, joy is the light that will enable them to thrive despite the forces at work against them. It is the right thing to do. And as for the right way to do it? Well, the simplest answer may be the correct one.

Try.

Can I succeed? Don't make me laugh.

The Great Cody Jarrett

One of the more intense Jimmy Cagney movies is one called White Heat. Released in 1949, this gangster-crime drama has significantly more depth than several of the earlier Warner Brothers movies Cagney made in the 1930's. Likely, this probably had much to do with the maturation of audience sensibilities toward violence following World War II. White Heat portrays characters with more emotional depth, better dialog, and here's the shocker: a plot. Indeed, the greatness of this movie is found in the unexpected turns, the character dynamics that reveal the complexities of the human conscience, and the suspense that builds throughout. As great as some of the pictures of the 1930's were, after a while the viewer began to come away with the idea that the characters were more cartoonish or caricatures - two dimensional at best (sadly, many modern offerings from Hollywood are still this way). Cagney's Cody Jarrett is far from two-dimensional. Cody Jarrett is a bona-fide bad guy, ultra paranoid and sporadically psychotic, and in every way the proverbial "momma's boy." But as tribute to the genre, Jarrett fights to the end, and goes down in a "blaze" of glory.

Not long ago, Big Hollywood posted an article about this movie. If you don't mind spoilers, have a read. Video clips included.

Without question, Cody Jarrett is one of my favorite bad-guy characters. White Heat is a good story, and a great movie.

"I made it, Ma! Top of the world!"

Facebook Nation?

No, this is not a post to announce my arrival to the Facebook Nation. On the contrary, I still remain ambivalent about signing up for the social network. I tend to be what most would call a slow-adopter. In the 80's, I didn't cave in and buy a Coca-Cola shirt until the latter part of the fad. Being somewhat of a miser, I don't jump in and buy the latest technology or gadget (unlike some others I know). I waited 4 years to finally watch Forrest Gump simply because everybody insisted that I just had to watch it. It's not that I'm so much a nonconformist, it's just that I tend to be very deliberate about what I choose to do. I just don't tend to jump in to the next wave of what's new - it's just not my personality.

And so it is with Facebook. I'm simply not certain that I'm quite ready to join a social network that threatens to bring back every era of my life on one page. I keep waiting for the fad to fade, but according to this piece by Michael S. Malone, that may not happen. Facebook appears to be one of those exceptions where the old axiom "but everybody's doing it!" is actually true (emphasis mine):

In the last year, Facebook, the social networking site to which you likely already belong, has seen its membership rolls triple in the last year . . .to a total of 300 million members. And, if those trends are continuing, Facebook today will add another 3 million members – that is, the population of a city the size of Berlin, Madrid or Buenos Aires – today.

Three hundred million members is a mind-boggling number. In terms of population, it would put Facebook on the list only behind China, India and the United States – and just above Indonesia, Brazil and Pakistan. It is almost as big as the entire population of the European Union, of sub-Saharan Africa, or South America. And, incredibly, it is equal to the entire population of the world in 1000 A.D.

In 1991, I learned about the dissolution of the Soviet Union on a service called Prodigy. Three years later, I was getting 3 CDs a week in the mail from a company called America Online (AOL) and the sing-song announcement "You've got mail!" for $19.99 a month. Fifteen years later, the Facebook Nation is the fourth largest "nation" in the world in terms of population? Absolutely mind-boggling.

Still, I'm not yet quite ready to jump on the bandwagon. I spend too much time online as it is, and with my tendencies I need to be careful. Things like Facebook could easily consume me. 300 million people notwithstanding, there is a world outside of the network. A world where the sun rises in brilliant reds and yellows, the deer race across the grass by the treeline, and people still talk and live face-to-face without a computer monitor between them.

But, the trend is obvious. Facebook indeed may very well rule the world. Just remember that the real world is not two-dimensional.

Off Day

With a major project now complete (and near future funding in question), today seemed like a good day to step away from the office and try to unwind. The tension is pretty high these days, so I'm making some time to slow down and indulge in personal time - something all too rare for me.

In the movie Parenthood, there is a tense scene where the character played by Steve Martin laments that between work, family, and extended family, his whole life is a "have-to." And while I'd like to think that my attitude isn't that bad, there are times where it does ring true. All I have to do is look at my calendar, my home, my job, my kids - there are a tremendous number of things to do and responsibilities to uphold. Some of these are good, but when the tank is empty, or rather filled with sludge, it becomes easy to look at all the "have-to's". For years, my wife has advised me to not be afraid to find something that feeds me, or brings me joy. Her advice is well noted. It may just be true that a day off is not so much an indulgence, but in truth a "have-to" of another sort. For sanity. For emotional release. For rest.

So this morning, I went back to that little 9-hole golf course. I arrived just before it opened, got stretched out, and hit a bucket of balls. When I finally started on the first hole, I was the only one on the course. When I finished, I was still the only one on the course. A few others were hitting range balls, but to walk 9 holes and have the place to myself - that was nice. I even finished two strokes better than I did the last time out. I did lose two balls: the first in the cotton on Hole 2, the second in the tree line on Hole 9. Before teeing off on that final hole, I watched a couple of fish (not sure what kind) breaking through the surface of the pond that surrounds the tee-box. A nice peaceful moment topping off a quiet morning outside.

What does the rest of the day hold? I frankly haven't decided yet. I may watch a Jimmy Cagney movie, or I may go upstairs and work on my neglected bonus room. I might even close my eyes and take a nap, before meeting my family in town late this afternoon. We're dropping the kids off at a science museum after school, and my wife and I are going on a date.

Yep, an off day is exactly what I needed.

A Portrait of Me

The soft scuffle of tennis shoes across long-abandoned railroad ties fills the silence between the gentle northern breezes. With each step, a light crunch of gravel can be heard, and even the occasional pebble striking the rusty iron rail rings its tone. A cold sun hangs in the sky, the promise of a spring not yet come. Brown weeds sway stiffly in the wind, lifeless or dormant, it remains to be seen. Up ahead, between two ties and just outside the rail, a flash of light catches my eye. A stray leaf scuttles past me as I reach down to pick up this treasure which, like me, seems very out of place here. Indeed, for I hold in my hand now a key ...

And so began the introduction to a collection of writings I began 4 years ago, a writing project that never reached the first chapter. Here's more:

I’ve often wondered whether I would ever start a project such as this, for as much as I adore the inner world and the miracle of the written word, I’ve a fear that the richness within will fade as it is brought out into this temporary realm. I love to write, and I love to teach. I even enjoy sharing with others the story of God’s hand upon my life. But to lay out the scroll of my heart for all to see, not knowing myself that which is writ upon it, well, I must admit to a feeling of trepidation. Yet I also know, somehow, that it is necessary. I believe that within every human soul there lives a desire to know and to be known; to love and be loved; to serve and be served. (This is not an original thought, of course).

A simple key can capture the imagination unlike any other talisman. A key unlocks locks. It unlocks doors. A key can inspire mysteries and unleash marvelous epiphanies. I have keys whose purposes have been long forgotten. I’ve lost access to more than a few doors and files due to keys that have sprouted legs and walked away, never to be seen again. Whether in literature or in our everyday lives, we all have keys. Secret passwords, PIN numbers, access codes, booby-trapped floors where you can only step on the letters that spell out the word Jehovah (in Latin, mind you, Jehovah starts with an “I”): there are all sorts of keys. But unlike Raiders of the Lost Ark, when it comes to unlocking what lies within, we can’t depend on Indiana Jones to safely navigate us through the danger zones of the inner man. But only one key, Truth, can open the right doors and enable us to see clearly what must be seen.

I wrote this during a time in my life where I genuinely feared that those closest to me were actually the ones who knew me least. Everyone, despite any protestations to the contrary, needs an outlet of self-expression - to be known. But for others to know us, does it not also imply a need to know ourselves?

While every person has both value and stories worth telling, writing down my “life story” is not my intent. My purpose here is to share with you what I learn about my own self, so that you will better know me as well. And I know that what you will find will not be wasted, nor in vain; in the presence of Truth, we are never left unaffected.

For my wife, my children, and my parents and my brother then, I invite you to sit back and ponder this portrait of me.

Alas, beyond the quotes below, I never added another word to this beginning. And that is regrettable. Not because I have such a compelling story, but rather because we live in a day and age where the stories of our heritage are fading from remembrance - simply because those stories are not told. We are far too distracted by the wonders of the modern age that consume our energies. Indeed, I confess my own guilt. And in that example, what is the legacy I leave behind? Is the portrait of my life limited to 2 dimensions? Or can the depth of the human soul be revealed in all its colors, bright and dark, so that true "knowing" can occur?

“It is the greatest good for an individual to discuss virtue every day … for the unexamined life is not worth living.”

“Know thyself”

-- Socrates

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you."

-- Romans 12:3 (NIV)

That, indeed, is the key.

A Portrait of Me: The Key
A Portrait of Me: River Walk
A Portrait of Me: Journey's Dawn
A Portrait of Me: I Am Prodigal

Eight Years

Whenever I think back to September 11, 2001, I catch myself reflecting on how long ago that seems. Since that fateful day, we've seen two wars, the re-emergence of hyper-politics, and the utter demonization of a president. It has only been eight years, but in so many ways, the eyes of the nation have once again turned inward. There are people today who would just as soon America forget 9/11 - including some Americans.

I cannot do that. Because in that dark hour, I witnessed a rare but powerful moment in which the people of this nation came together. Not that all agreed with the decisions that followed, but in those days, there was a resoluteness to survive and overcome the devastation. Because even the most ardent opposition to the president recognized that freedom was under attack, and that we as a Nation had to respond. To be sure, the unity was momentary, and people soon became poisoned by a level of political vitriol that washed it all away. But despite all the controversy, I will always be thankful for George W. Bush, who rose to the occasion to lead and protect this nation. The president was at his very best when speaking in defense of freedom and democracy, speeches that many have forgotten or ignored.

In the days and years that followed, I started archiving a few photos and texts of speeches associated with 9/11. The videos links below are some of those that have stayed with me in my remembrances. In addition, I highly suggest you visit this site. It takes a long time to load, but I truly believe it is worth your time to remember. I have watched it several times over the years (and again yesterday), and I still cannot make it through without shedding tears. Also worth a visit is the September 11 Digital Archive and September 11 News archives.

Video: President Bush Address to Nation, September 11, 2001

Video: The Bullhorn Speech

Video: Excerpts from Address to Joint Session of Congress, September 20, 2001

Today, I am displaying the flag, in remembrance of the fallen and in honor of those who serve on the front lines today. I may also pull out a VHS tape we made in the aftermath, to capture those heroic days searching for survivors and remembering the victims. My children are wearing red, white and blue to school. We will remember. We will always remember. Because whatever else some may wish to call it, today is Patriot Day.

Space ...

The Augustine panel, also known as the Review of U.S. Human Space Flight Plans Committee, has released their initial summary report. The summary report can be downloaded here. I haven't yet had a chance to study it in detail, but Network World has a decent wrap up here. Bottom line, the future all comes down to setting a compelling vision, allocating resources to match that vision, and making some tough choices about national priorities. I may post more later once I've had the chance to think about the panel's conclusions.

In the meantime, NASA released the latest images from the Hubble Space Telescope. The image below is that of planetary nebula NGC 6302. You can download various sizes of this stunning "butterfly" image and an explanation of what you are really seeing from the Hubble page on NASA's website.


I can only imagine what it must be like to see such things close up with the naked eye. Wondrous.

The M-Word: Part 1

In a previous post, I indicated an intent to explore certain questions of ministry. I have found it to be a difficult subject to address in written form. Some of the hesitation I feel may be more accurately described as dread. My perspective of the church and its usage of the word "ministry" is undergoing a significant shift. To call it a paradigm shift understates the issue; I have witnessed so many "paradigm" shifts over the years that the term almost feels cliché. Rather, I suspect a more fundamental realignment is at work here, the final rendering of which remains to be seen.

So, to address the first question: "What is your ministry?" I could easily rattle off any number of Sunday School answers to that one. From the Great Commandment to the Golden Rule, from the Great Commission to the ambassadorial witness, from the dedication of God-given spiritual gifts, talents and blessing to the great calling to follow Christ - these are the easy answers. I could also say I am called to be a spiritual entrepreneur, living a purpose-driven life with a unique SHAPE, created for worship as I endeavor to teach the Word of God in an attitude of servant leadership as I fill my role as one functional part of the whole Body of Christ manifest in the local church, the hope of the world. I am to love my wife as Christ loved the church, to be a father who does not provoke his children to anger, serving as a model whose sole purpose is to point any and all to the Truth of Christ's being. Again, these are all the easy answers, gleaned from 20 years of training and teaching in a variety of ministry environments, books and movements. And while all of these are undoubtedly true, I cannot help but to suspect that something important has been overlooked. But what?

I cannot speak for history, but the past few decades have seen the predominance of the self-help genre that has inevitably awakened interest in various forms of spiritualism. Similarly, many of the Christian books and themes of the last 20 years have focused on helping the Christian become more self-aware of his own purpose of being and even personal happiness. I wonder how many people have felt the pressure to identify their spiritual gifts and ministry simply because that's what is expected. Because you know, everyone has to have one. If you don't have a ministry, or if you're not using your spiritual gifts to benefit the church, then you're simply not being faithful. New believers come to the faith, and before they are ready, the pressure to conform to the latest wave of modern Christian thinking is leveled upon them. It doesn't take long for the perception of spiritual elitism to take hold over those who "have it" and those who don't. And the purpose for all of this? Ministry.

But this is not new. The institutional church, whether intentionally or not, has impressed upon its members that service to Christ really means service to the church. Do something for God by doing something for the church. Be a part of this church program or that, because what matters is that we serve, and that people know that today's act of service has been brought to you by the people of Maple Street Suburban Church. Come to our church, so that you can receive our ministry. The church is preeminent in our thinking, in how we have trained others for full-time Christian service. Undoubtedly, there are true ministries that target those in material and spiritual need in oppressive economic and political cultures around the world. My argument is not against them. Indeed, my argument is not against those who truly love the Lord and seek to serve. My argument is, however, against the subtle undertones in motive that cause us to believe that the serving the church itself for its own temporal furtherance is to be fully equated with serving Christ, as if such propitiation could be established.

My origins are from the traditional institutional church. But my journey has taken me somewhere beyond those comfortable confines. Indeed, my years serving as a representative of my local church in the larger denominational business gatherings have seriously altered my views. While many offer their lives in full time Christian service, the message to those servants - good people with good motives and intent, notwithstanding - that they and they alone must labor to "expand the Kingdom" and at the same time, expand the membership to ensure the long-term viability of the pension program. Is this what ministry is for - to ensure that a particular brand of the Christian church survives in order to pay somebody's retirement? Isn't it supposed to be more than that?

I have seen and experienced God do amazing things. His heart and passion is for people, that they would be made whole and full in the knowledge that there is a Creator, a Savior, and everlasting life. A church should not simply "have" ministries. Rather the church should be a community that sends people to serve Christ outside the doors, not to create attendance at next week's worship service but to demonstrate the love of God to all living generations in the hopes that the Holy Spirit will draw the lost into an eternal membership in the Kingdom of God - both today and in the life to come. The institutional church is far too focused on self-preservation - the obsession with "the future of Christianity in a post-modern society" in closed-group, intellectual discussions speaks evidence to this, as does the ever-increasing focus on budget shortfalls. By definition, ministry should not be self-focused, but simply the dedication of oneself to the will of God wherever He places us at any given time.

So, what is my ministry? To serve Christ, to grow in knowledge and to speak the Truth. Am I equipped to do this? I don't know yet. I acknowledge that most of what I have written above lacks structure and sequence, and may be incomplete and even unfair to a degree. Hence the dread I suggested at the beginning of this post. But as I seek to answer for myself the question "what is my ministry" I first must begin the process of understanding the origins of what ministry has been and how it has changed me, so that I can fully discover what my present and future ministry is to be.

Fun with Disney / Marvel

This past Monday, Disney announced the intended acquisition of Marvel Entertainment. As a Marvel comic-book fan in my boyhood (how well I remember scrambling to the comic-book rack at the local convenience store), I have some mixed feelings about this. Disney has done this before with Winnie the Pooh and the Muppets. I enjoy Disney, and I enjoy Marvel. However, I'm not sure I want to see the Hulk stomping through Tomorrowland. We shall see.

However, this is kind of fun. A group of digital artists set up a photoshop contest inviting participants to create new Disney/Marvel "hybrids." My favorite entry:


Check out the link above and see all 52 entries. The one I wish somebody would make: Goofy/Thor. Or Selena Gomez/Phoenix. Why not? But, please spare me any hybrids involving Hannah Montana! (h/t: PhatDisneyGeek)

On President's Speaking to School Children

I wasn't going to post on this, but given that there has been a bit of a hubbub over the President giving a speech to public school children, I debated whether or not to express my thoughts.

Fortunately for me, Ann Althouse hits the points I would have shared (emphasis mine):

Ideally, children should learn to understand political speeches and think for themselves about what they mean. I remember as a schoolchild being assigned various political speeches to read and understand. These were historical speeches — by Washington, Lincoln, etc. — but they were by Presidents, Presidents who had a political agenda. These assignments can be especially useful educational experiences, equipping children to live in the world — where politicians will try to influence them and lead them along. Teach them how to see what is being done and why.

There are far too many people already who are illiterate in civics and American government. While there is opportunity for abuse here, in the propaganda sense, I think engagement is a far better course of action than pulling your kids out of school because of a speech. Governors, Presidents and Members of Congress can do far better than the typical photo op illustrated by "reading a book to children" with the cameras rolling. Engagement of ideas, along with critical thinking, is a far more worthy ... and dare I say it, educational ... goal.