Arrested Development

I feel as old as I have my whole life. The world I perceive through my eyes changes frequently - and often dramatically - with the passage of time. Landscapes once as open as the expanse of nature are turned over to the migratory expansion of man, while old haunts are either paved over or left to rot. Faces I see begin to reveal lines once hidden, whereas the young seem ever younger in comparison. I even look in the mirror with puzzlement, because what I see is a disconnect between what my mind says and what my eyes see to be the impact of time.

I am as old as I have been my whole life. When I was a teenager, I constantly wrestled with the meaning of manhood, the meaning of being an adult and the nature of the boundary I presumed I would have to cross to finally and fully become "grown up." Yet I'm beginning to wonder if such a boundary even exists, or, if it does exist, whether I will ever reach the border and cross it. Because despite being a husband and father, despite being fully employed and owning property, and despite carrying the burdens typically associated with being an adult … I'm still not sure that I've "grown up."

Is it a case of arrested development? So many of the insecurities I had at 12 I still have now at 40. The uncertainty and obsessions that have driven me all my life still drive me. Coming to faith in Christ changed some of that, but every time I stop to take measure of myself - of who I am, or who I am becoming - I feel less sure that I will ever arrive at that place of wisdom that I imagine to be the hallmark of an adult. What does that even mean?

The world I perceive is constantly changing, but who I am seems to be unchanged, from behind these eyes anyway. Or perhaps that's not true at all, and I am changed and still changing on account of life's many experiences, but am just unable to see it clearly for myself.

Or maybe still, this whole notion of being a grown-up is a false construct. What we are, we are. Perhaps wisdom, as a measure of … something … only has meaning when it is placed in context, to compare or contrast.

I am as old as I've always been. And perhaps there is nothing really wrong with that. Maybe, I just … am.