In previous posts, I have spent a little time talking about a period of self-evaluation, with respect to ministry. The prologue introduced the four key questions: 1) What is your ministry?; 2) Where are you right now?; 3) Is it where you expected to be?; 4) Is it better/worse/different than before? Questions 1 and 2 were addressed here and here. Today, I will attempt to answer the third.
This question poses a particular challenge for me, as it implies a pre-existing goal or vision for my life and my ministry. I find myself concerned about this, because with a few exceptions, I'm not sure I can articulate any such thing. For most of my life, I have dealt with a tendency toward perfectionism in anything I do, never satisfied with a performance because at some level I remain certain that even the best result can be improved upon. I suppose that even now I still have a driven personality, but that "drive" has at times been quite unfocused, and lacking that motivating "dream" or goal. This, I believe, may be problematic.
When I graduated high school 20 years ago, I didn't really have any specific aspirations. I chose my college major primarily because it made sense: my aptitude was strong in math and science, engineers made money, therefore I studied engineering. I knew I wanted to be married and have a family, and am extremely fortunate and blessed to have that reality. Setting goals, or answering the stock "where do you want to be in 5 years" question, frankly is difficult for me, because for some reason I'm not sure it matters. Let me explain. The way I think, I tend to be accepting (or resigned to) whatever circumstances life brings. I fear that pursuit of some arbitrary goal, such as becoming a vice-president in the company or getting a second degree and changing careers, may be inherently selfish. Whatever ambition I have is usually tied back to my latent perfectionism - whatever I do, I want it to be done well and recognized as such. I have convinced myself that it doesn't really matter where I am 5 years from now, as long as I'm doing my best to live rightly and take care of my family's needs. Because I can serve God with my gifts anywhere, right?
Many of my closest friends from college chose the path of full-time Christian ministry. I lost count how many times I was told that I should go to seminary. I recall taking it rather personally after a while, because it came packaged with the idea that only somebody with a seminary degree has the proper credentials for interpreting and teaching Scripture. I was repulsed by that attitude, because it spoke of an elitism that I reject. All Scripture is God-breathed, and it is open to whomever the Spirit wishes to bequeath knowledge - not just to those who receive "proper training." I've seen too many who have gone into seminary on-fire for the faith, only to come out figuratively chained to the "box" that defines the institutional church.
So where did that leave me? For years, I taught Sunday School, managed an online devotional ministry, and served my local church in leadership. As I've mentioned, I've been on a bit of an extended sabbatical. Is it where I expected to be?
In the past, I have had a few "dreams" for ministry: the development and realization of a complete Bible-study curriculum, taught by myself and a few other teachers; authoring a book of some sort; and serving as a part-time teaching pastor. I'm no longer pursuing these, at least right now, because the timing and the environment are no longer conducive to the effort. They do remain possibilities, of course, but as for now they are no longer my focus. But I can say that there was a time when I thought I would be doing all of those things. But those dreams, if you will, are currently on hiatus.
So am I where I expected to be? Not really, but again, I'm not sure I had any major expectations. Hopes? Hard to say, really. When it comes to ministry, I want to be where God wants me to be, doing what He wants me to be doing. And frankly, right now I'm not certain where and what that is. I want to be content wherever I am, and pursue that prize that He defines for me, not necessarily one of my own choosing. I want to pursue that prize with the single-minded determination that a runner does for each race he races.
But what is that prize? Again, I'm left with a question mark. Because if you have no real expectation, you lose the potential joy of the anticipation that comes with hope and achievement. But if you set the wrong goals, or set goals with the wrong motivation, the result will not be satisfying. Which leaves me right where I am: stagnant. I did not expect to be stagnant in my ministry. But that is exactly where I am today.
And it is not a good place to be. The sad thing is, I know better, yet here I am. The only way out is to once again focus on the Lord in prayer, and contemplate the place, plan and purpose on which my faith depends. It all comes back to that "vision" thing.
To be continued, one step at a time.
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